12/23/2023 4 Comments Mental Movies & Lost ChristmasesWhen I was a kid, I would get the box of Christmas ornaments out from the garage and, before each ornament was hung on the tree, I would make my own little mental movies with them. Ceramic angels, wooden elves, little tin soldiers, they would all find themselves woken from their year-long slumber to star in my violent (and festive) holiday thrillers. Even the nativity scene pieces weren’t safe from my imagination, though those were generally handled with a little more reverence. Then, after the boredom set in, they’d all take their respective places suspended from the plastic branches of our Christmas tree, bathed in the multi-colored fever dream of lights that I wrapped around the tree with the same level of care with which I wrapped people’s gifts… absolutely none.
I vaguely remember my final mental movie - my final film before hanging it up as a young director and “putting away childish things.” The plot is as fuzzy to me now as it was then, but I remember the high-speed sleigh ride scene well. Slowly, these things started to disappear from my life, and Christmases started to mean less and less. Admittedly, as a kid, the religious and spiritual elements of Christmas didn’t actually mean all that much to me despite my parent’s best efforts. Those are big concepts for a kid who just finished staging the biggest snowman ornament gunfight in history. No, I, like most kids, was only in it for the presents. But not just opening the presents. If I knew that I got a good gift for someone (which was uncommon), I was probably just as excited to give it to them as I was to open my gift from them. But all that started to get lost in the shuffle too. Systematic gift-giving started to feel, well… systematic. Unspontaneous. Obligatory. “Here’s what I got you… what did you get me? Cool. See you next year.” And so it went... lost Christmas after lost Christmas. When I married into Katie’s family, Christmas spirit came bursting back into the room with the subtlety of the Kool-Aid Man. Family traditions, cookies, stockings, travel, gifts. It all started to make sense again. All these things were planned and constructed with so much love, joy, and connection in mind that it couldn’t be anything other than contagious. I’m not a doctor, but I felt something in my chest. I believe it may have been my heart growing three sizes. ... Well friends, Christmas 2023 is in just a couple of days. The tree is up, the lights are strung, and if I am honest with you, the Christmas spirit needs some resuscitation once again. I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at Katie in the past few days and said, “It really doesn’t feel like Christmas, does it?” So what is it? What am I looking for? Which Christmas carols do I play to murder this grinch once and for all? Do I just accept this as another lost Christmas to be added to my graveyard of lost Christmases? It doesn’t help that almost all of the snow we’ve gotten in Idaho has melted away, something I’m being told is uncommon for this time of year. It seems as if even the universe itself doesn’t want Christmas cheer to be spread. But then… as I twist my brain around trying to force the magic of Christmas on myself, I’m reminded of something: Stop looking so hard. I have been blessed with so much in life. I have a roof over my head, which is something far too many people can’t say for themselves. I’m going to eat dinner tonight, which is something far too many people can’t say for themselves. I have family and friends that I love dearly, which is something far too many people can’t say for themselves. So what if I don’t feel a specific way at this specific time of year? So what if the sparkling tinsel and glowing Christmas villages don’t cause my heart to burst with extra happiness? I’m happy anyways and in greater ways than all of that. That is something else that far too many people can’t say for themselves. This year, Christmas isn't lost, it's a blank slate. It's an empty canvas. I'll stop and listen to the carols and look at the lights, and if the traditional feelings of Christmas joy wash over me eventually, it will be wonderful. And if they don’t? It will still be wonderful because I have so many wonderful things in my life. There is no "lost Christmas" this year. Christmas is here, it's happening, and its spirit will feel however it does. I’ve spent this Christmas season longing for what isn’t here, instead of embracing what is. There is so much to embrace.
4 Comments
Laura
12/26/2023 08:16:21 am
Another great read, Jon! And a great reminder!
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Jon
12/28/2023 06:00:11 am
Thank you, Laura! :D
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Emma
1/1/2024 10:25:00 am
I am so happy you are a part of our family, I can’t even imagine it without you.
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Jon
1/1/2024 01:30:30 pm
I'm so happy about it too! :)
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